Forgiveness is a touchy subject for most people.
Forgiveness is easy for me… or so i thought.
See I recently realized that although i may have extended forgiveness to some people… i’m not quite sure i dealt with my hurt. Im not quite sure i allowed myself to fully heal.
I read somewhere that you can tell what a person really thinks and how they really feel by the things that they say.
I’m good at picking up on how ppl actually feel, by what they say.. or don’t say… but some how, my own ears had become deaf to the things that i myself wasn’t saying but my subconscious was constantly referencing old things.
God has been fine tuning my ears to hear clearly what i’ve been saying.
In listening to my own words and seeing how my thoughts drifted to old things… i realized that these things are things hindering me… things keeping me from the next level.
For the life of me i couldn’t understand why certain things still come to mind.
My mind wouldn’t let me forget the things that i hadn’t actually acknowledged really hurt me. In my past, i was good for just shrugging things off as if they didn’t bother me.
“You can’t change what you’re not willing to confront”- Pastor Edward Kirkpatrick
I mean i feel like most things i had confronted.. but maybe in my confronting them I wasn’t transparent enough. I wasn’t honest enough about how i truly felt.
I still tried to make myself ok with things that i really wasn’t ok with. In order to truly forgive and forget I took a moment and wrote down all the things that kept coming to mind.
I asked God to take these things from my memory. I wanted to be able to quote Philippians 3:13 and actually mean it.
Philippians 3:13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But One thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. -NIV
During my recent fast, i was transparent with God.. I know what you’re thinking. How can you not be transparent with God? Listen God see’s, hears, and knows all yet i still found myself hiding from him.
I found myself pretending to be ok… pretending that i wasn’t angry at times, hurt at times, insecure at times, afraid at times, confused at times… I mean i could go on. I woke up early to start my day with Him.. praying each day not only for myself but my friends, family and being honest with God about how i really felt.
It was liberating. Something amazing happens when you open up completely to God.
I know i’m not completely where i would like to be in regards to my journey of Forgetting those things that are behind me…but i’m almost there.
It is a pleasure, to forget it.
Moving forward 🙂