See lately I’ve been longing for some things… the concept of the things I want are nice but I can’t tell if the reality is farfetched or not… see I’m believing God for these things… but often find myself acting like Sarah.. you know? God made her and her husband a promise… she took things into her own hands… Trying to make them happen…
I just don’t get it… what is it that I need to learn? What is it that haven’t grasped?… is God protecting me? ( I mean, of course he is. He ALWAYS is) whether it’s from myself or someone/something else. I don’t know.
See…I realized that the Sarah in me often keeps me from seeing the blessing in waiting on the promise to come, in God’s time… the Sarah in me feels like I’m not where im supposed to be.. makes me feel like im behind. How much longer can I wait?
God? Are you there?
How much more time do I have?
See I’ve been waiting in your waiting room for a few years now… and I admit.. no I haven’t always been patient… sometimes I got out of my seat, put my hand on the doorknob contemplating walking…walking wherever I needed to go to get what I wanted. In my time.. because I honestly couldn’t see the use in waiting… I couldn’t grasp what waiting was teaching me.
Then I think
You have loved me at my lowest.. all that you ask is that I love you.. that I call on you… trust you…. Lean on you…and in the moments that you’re quiet and I need you, you ask that I seek you…. You said that if I seek you all things will be added to me….
Today I still lack…
Or at least that’s what I think…
Have you not blessed me abundantly?.. kept me? My kids? Provided this house… this job…yet I get to points where I only see what I feel I lack … cries from my son requesting more… makes me rush…and while I rush to make a plan, to make things happen.. the baby on my hip, clings to me for dear life.
I couldn’t see that waiting in your waiting room allowed me to get out of my own way… allowed me to be humble…. And although the Sarah in me, sometimes makes me anxious… the lessons from Sarah are greater….
Like there’s nothing worth getting out of the blessing.. couldn’t imagine prolonging my time even more… and in that moment, with that thought… sarah goes quiet and I know that it’s you. It’s as if you put your hand on my shoulder and said “Be still my Child and know that I AM God.”
So I release the doorknob… and return to my seat… in your waiting room. Thank you for silencing the Sarah in me.